i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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