I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
