the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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