3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
