I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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