I faked an abortion last night.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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