This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
