Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
