God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
