I want to walk on stilts...naked
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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