Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
