I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize