This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
