I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
