Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
