You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
