I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
