I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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