have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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