My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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