I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
