my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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