if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
