hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
