He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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