my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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