Christians are straight up FREAKS
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize