she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And then my night got REAL pukey
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
