I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
