Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
