I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
