Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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