Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
