Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How external is "for external use only"?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
