just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
