i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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