You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
