I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
