I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
