I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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