Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
