I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
