Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
