I bet he comes in French.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
