You're my little dorito
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
