I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
