walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Randomize
