Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Even my vagina gasped.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
