Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
