I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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