Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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