On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You ate ashes out of my bong
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
