Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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