I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
