nut hugger
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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