I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize