another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
True strength comes from lack of pants
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
