I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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