In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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