Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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