We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's shark week go big or go home
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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