I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
