she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
