That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
