its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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