We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
