Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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