i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
NoShamevember. You game?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
