we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
