A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
