Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
