Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
