My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
