Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
